New Year's reflecting.

Last post was about Christmas reflecting; this one will be about New Year's reflecting, all done from our hotel room in Washington D.C., since that's where we are right now. We're having a great time, by the way, so don't think that I'm spending all of my time in the hotel room on the Internet. I'm just putzing around on the computer, checking email, looking at things to do today, while Doug still slumbers. Ahh, to have that kind of internal clock. Some days it would be nice!

Before writing this blog, I was laying in bed thinking about what I would write if I were to write a New Year's blog, and now I a) can't remember any of it, and b) don't know if I want to write about it, anyway. I find that most of what I write here gets a little too personal. Shows a little too much of the inner workings of my mind. Most of the time I throw caution to the wind and figure that if people are going to read my blog they should know who I really am, warts and worries and all, but I don't know if what I write really and truly reflects all of me. I adopt a persona on my blog - well, one of two personas. I am either this happy and chirpy "life is great" kind of person, which sometimes I am, or this reflective and somewhat depressing "life sucks" kind of person, which sometimes I am, too. And sometimes I am neither of those kind of people. And sometimes I am both kinds at the same time, and often am somewhere between the two. If you tone down whatever I write by a couple of shades, that might be closer to who I really am and what I'm really feeling. But not all the time. This is getting complicated.

However, in an effort to be more truthful and to live more in line with my values and priorities (again, see previous post on reflecting for more context), I'll post a few things that I've been reflecting on from the past year, and a few things that I imagine I'll be reflecting on in the coming year, and I'll write it all straight from my gut as my gut is right now in this moment. Oh, you lucky reader! :-)

Reflections on 2009

2009 was another year for great change. 2008 saw our marriage, the purchase of our first home, Doug's job change. 2009 saw my job change, Doug's re-design, and our adjustment to being homeowners. There was just so much in 2009. So much going on.

2009 was a year that for me was spent living too much in my head. Sure, I did a lot, and accomplished a lot, and experienced a lot of change, but at the expense of living more in the external world. My mind was a bit constipated this year. I dealt with the change I experienced at work and personally completely internally (though at times those thoughts spilled out onto my blog), ruminating, over-analyzing, doing mental gymnastics. Should I do this or should I do that, should I have done this or should I have done that. And then, what I actually did do (the external-world part) always felt wrong, incomplete, not what I really wanted to do. Really not a very healthy or freeing mental state to be in.

2009 was a year for reflection, which goes along with my thoughts above. I gave a lot of thought this year to how my life was maybe not going in the direction I wanted it to go in, and started to think about what I would have to do to change that, or what direction I do want my life to go in. But note that I've only started this process. It will continue. It's a lot to think about.

And, of course, 2009 was also a year of so many positive things. Celebrating life's milestones with such good friends, relaxing around a quiet lake with friends, seeing friends have such beautiful babies and seeing those babies begin to grow up, to become wonderful little people. We also spent some great times with family. My family visited Dedham/Boston a few times and we had some great family band moments. We spent a few weekends with Doug's family and tried to make connections there. And Doug connected with some extended family on Facebook. These were all good things. Very good things.

Beginning to Reflect on 2010

So what do I want for 2010? More of the same from 2009? Yes, I would love for some of the feelings and actions of 2009 to continue into 2010. The positive things. The foundations we've started to build. These are things I still want for 2010. But, naturally, I want other things for 2010, too. Such as more action, quicker thinking (or maybe less of it, less of the debilitating kind), more self-discipline, more focus on the priorities and goals that Doug and I have made for ourselves, more time with my cats, more expression of emotion both verbally and physically (like learning to give people hugs when I see them or leave them, because inside I want to hug people but my wants in this way, out of habit, don't materialize into action), more awareness of how I am acting and how I am being perceived, and more enjoyment of everything. Yes, more joy. There are so many good things that happen each and every day, and I want to focus more on those things and less on the other stuff that just gets in the way.

Is this a tall order for 2010? A bit. But it's all possible, and all of it, with a little focus, discipline, and energy, is probable. And to kick things off one day early, I'm going to start all of this by picking out a few things to see today, such as the Jefferson Library at the Library of Congress, the American History museum, and National Archives rotunda, and then not get upset if things don't go according to plan. Now, if only I could get my husband to get out of bed we could close 2009 out with a really impressive slew of positive action!