Thoughts for a new year.

My first post of 2012 was going to be about a realization I came to a few days ago. A light-bulb moment. The realization hit me when I was on the elliptical machine one morning. I realized that I have three very strong personality traits, all of which start with B, and all of which are quite shameful. I admit it. More often than not, I am 1) bitchy, 2) bratty, and 3) bullying. Am I being a little hard on myself? Ask my mother that when I chastise her in front of my father's family at Christmas for overfilling the take-home containers with pie such that the covers would squish them and make them "unpresentable." Or ask Doug that question when I fly through the bedroom at 8am with way too much energy, like a tornado, grabbing my sneakers and exercise clothes to head for the gym, all the while chiding him for being lazy (because he's still in bed, god forbid). And these are just two very recent examples. So I would say no; I am not being hard on myself. Just honest.

But what would really be achieved by spending a whole post on these three Bs? Just a lot of belly-aching from me about how I'm not my ideal self. That in and of itself (belly-aching about not being my ideal self) is not a wholly unpleasant topic and is one I often dwell on, but today I'd rather spend my time and energy on another topic. Let's talk about things to look forward to in the upcoming year. Christmas and New Year's a behind us; 2012 is underway (I've successfully written 2012 on three checks so far!). Let's focus on the good stuff before we face the end of the world.

Sherman is doing much, much better with his scratching. The prednisone is helping, thanks to Doug's determination to get the little pills down his throat. It is true that Sherman still scratches and breaks the skin, leaving crusty scabs and patches on his ear and neck that are completely hairless, but overall he is doing so much better than he was even a month ago. He has gone days without his cone. And just today I saw him touch noses with Meg before she let out the death growl! This is a Christmas miracle! Maybe 2012 will be the year of cat harmony in our household.

Doug and I (and possibly my mother and brother) plan to go away sometime in May. A trip! Involving a plane! For more than two nights! I am very excited about this and so is Doug. Last night I started doing a little research into places to go. At first we had our sights set on Europe but based on ticket prices I think we're going to stay domestic. Over $1100 to fly to Berlin? Close to $1000 to fly to Paris? And $800 to fly to London! Iceland was our only relatively inexpensive European option, at a little over $600/pp/round trip, but Doug's not all that keen on it, mostly because of the cost. Neither am I, really, and mostly because of the cost. Maybe I'm getting cheap in my old age, or maybe just more practical, but when I think about spending most of my waking life at work and sloughing through the days there, I think much longer and harder about how I spend my money. Spending a few days in San Francisco and then a few days in one of the Redwood National Parks would be fun. We've never been to Northern California. Or exploring the national parks of southern Utah - we haven't been to the Southwest, either. Or maybe 2012 is the year that we visit Seattle and Portland! We always say we want to go there, and we could see Rod and Tina. The funny thing about "settling" for domestic travel is that we really haven't narrowed our choices by much. I want to go everywhere. I am still overwhelmed by the possibilities.

But how wonderful it is to have possibilities! Yesterday I got side-tracked by looking through all the photos that we had taken in the past few years while I was transferring the files from the desktop to DVR discs. I was simply shocked by all the things that we have filled our life with. We've documented so much of our life, which makes me realize that every day we are doing something no matter how mundane or tiresome the days can feel. There were photos of our move to the house, photos of the many meals that we have made in our kitchen, photos of day trips and vacations and times away from the house, and photos of family and friends and friends' babies and friends' pets. When you do a mini-retrospective like that you realize so many things are possible.

I learned, too, by looking through these photos, that it's possible that Wyatt's death had a profound impact on our lives and for much longer than we originally thought. In looking through the photos from 2010, I can see how we felt his loss each day. The pictures of us and our life were very different post-loss than they were when he was still with us. Doug lost a lot of weight after Wyatt died, and I started to gain a fair amount of weight after Wyatt died. We looked different in other ways, too. Doug looked paler. My hair looked stringier. We also entered our professional crisis period, with me leaving my corporate job and Doug leaving his job. There was definitely a dark cloud above our house for that latter half of 2010, and really for the vast majority of 2011. But the final couple of months or so of 2011 have felt better. The cloud is moving on. The fog is lifting. Maybe Sherman has helped us. Maybe therpay has helped us. Regardless, we are seeing the possibilities now and it feels like a much better way to be. We look forward to 2012 because we know now that we can face difficult times and come through to feel the sun on our faces and breathe the fresh air on the other side of the void, but also, and quite possibly more importantly, because we have this one cat, this one soft cat in the photo below, who, regardless of year or season or mental state of her owners, is just the most photogenic cat ever and she makes us happy.*

*Much of the time.

New Year's reflecting.

Last post was about Christmas reflecting; this one will be about New Year's reflecting, all done from our hotel room in Washington D.C., since that's where we are right now. We're having a great time, by the way, so don't think that I'm spending all of my time in the hotel room on the Internet. I'm just putzing around on the computer, checking email, looking at things to do today, while Doug still slumbers. Ahh, to have that kind of internal clock. Some days it would be nice!

Before writing this blog, I was laying in bed thinking about what I would write if I were to write a New Year's blog, and now I a) can't remember any of it, and b) don't know if I want to write about it, anyway. I find that most of what I write here gets a little too personal. Shows a little too much of the inner workings of my mind. Most of the time I throw caution to the wind and figure that if people are going to read my blog they should know who I really am, warts and worries and all, but I don't know if what I write really and truly reflects all of me. I adopt a persona on my blog - well, one of two personas. I am either this happy and chirpy "life is great" kind of person, which sometimes I am, or this reflective and somewhat depressing "life sucks" kind of person, which sometimes I am, too. And sometimes I am neither of those kind of people. And sometimes I am both kinds at the same time, and often am somewhere between the two. If you tone down whatever I write by a couple of shades, that might be closer to who I really am and what I'm really feeling. But not all the time. This is getting complicated.

However, in an effort to be more truthful and to live more in line with my values and priorities (again, see previous post on reflecting for more context), I'll post a few things that I've been reflecting on from the past year, and a few things that I imagine I'll be reflecting on in the coming year, and I'll write it all straight from my gut as my gut is right now in this moment. Oh, you lucky reader! :-)

Reflections on 2009

2009 was another year for great change. 2008 saw our marriage, the purchase of our first home, Doug's job change. 2009 saw my job change, Doug's re-design, and our adjustment to being homeowners. There was just so much in 2009. So much going on.

2009 was a year that for me was spent living too much in my head. Sure, I did a lot, and accomplished a lot, and experienced a lot of change, but at the expense of living more in the external world. My mind was a bit constipated this year. I dealt with the change I experienced at work and personally completely internally (though at times those thoughts spilled out onto my blog), ruminating, over-analyzing, doing mental gymnastics. Should I do this or should I do that, should I have done this or should I have done that. And then, what I actually did do (the external-world part) always felt wrong, incomplete, not what I really wanted to do. Really not a very healthy or freeing mental state to be in.

2009 was a year for reflection, which goes along with my thoughts above. I gave a lot of thought this year to how my life was maybe not going in the direction I wanted it to go in, and started to think about what I would have to do to change that, or what direction I do want my life to go in. But note that I've only started this process. It will continue. It's a lot to think about.

And, of course, 2009 was also a year of so many positive things. Celebrating life's milestones with such good friends, relaxing around a quiet lake with friends, seeing friends have such beautiful babies and seeing those babies begin to grow up, to become wonderful little people. We also spent some great times with family. My family visited Dedham/Boston a few times and we had some great family band moments. We spent a few weekends with Doug's family and tried to make connections there. And Doug connected with some extended family on Facebook. These were all good things. Very good things.

Beginning to Reflect on 2010

So what do I want for 2010? More of the same from 2009? Yes, I would love for some of the feelings and actions of 2009 to continue into 2010. The positive things. The foundations we've started to build. These are things I still want for 2010. But, naturally, I want other things for 2010, too. Such as more action, quicker thinking (or maybe less of it, less of the debilitating kind), more self-discipline, more focus on the priorities and goals that Doug and I have made for ourselves, more time with my cats, more expression of emotion both verbally and physically (like learning to give people hugs when I see them or leave them, because inside I want to hug people but my wants in this way, out of habit, don't materialize into action), more awareness of how I am acting and how I am being perceived, and more enjoyment of everything. Yes, more joy. There are so many good things that happen each and every day, and I want to focus more on those things and less on the other stuff that just gets in the way.

Is this a tall order for 2010? A bit. But it's all possible, and all of it, with a little focus, discipline, and energy, is probable. And to kick things off one day early, I'm going to start all of this by picking out a few things to see today, such as the Jefferson Library at the Library of Congress, the American History museum, and National Archives rotunda, and then not get upset if things don't go according to plan. Now, if only I could get my husband to get out of bed we could close 2009 out with a really impressive slew of positive action!

Christmas reflecting.

Though at Thanksgiving I reflect a bit about what I'm thankful for, for the most part my primary goal is to stuff myself full of all the wonderful food that's around me that day. Christmas, however, is the holiday that gets me to thinking about my priorities, my goals, how I spent my last year and how I want to spend the upcoming year. I think about the good, the bad, and all that's in-between. I think it's because Christmas always sneaks up on me in a way that as a kid I never thought would be possible, and I'm always a little peeved that I didn't have more time to prepare. Or really, to celebrate. Didn't see any carol performances, didn't go to midnight mass to hear the music and smell the incense, didn't bake cookies, didn't carefully pick out the perfect gifts for people, didn't spend as much time wrapping as I would have liked to make the packages really shine. You know, that kind of thing. Gee, it sounds like my Christmases are now filled mostly with regrets.

However, that's not really true. By far, my thoughts are positive around Christmas, or at least get me to move in a positive direction. At Christmas, all I want to do is see family and friends, to hang out, to give gifts (but actually don't care to receive them. Getting gifts is nice, of course, but I don't want stuff. At Christmas, what I really want is human contact and emotional intimacy with those I care about the most), and to enjoy the lights, the trees, and the music. Really. And for the most part, this happens each year. This year included.

We spent a day in Monroe. We saw Doug's Grandfather and gave him a digital photo frame so that he can have a piece of Dedham in his home each day. We saw Doug's parents, whom we also gave a digital photo frame, loaded with 120 photos of us, the cats, the house, our friends... hopefully it will make them feel more connected to our world (as long as they can figure out how to use it).

We then spent a day in East Hartford. We spent quality time with my family - my mom and Tyrone my father my sister's family and my great-aunts, who despite a trying month were in good spirits for the holiday.

We also spent some time in our own home, in Dedham. We actually spent some time in our own home on Christmas Eve. It was lovely. The cats gave Doug a sweater and some random cat named Mr. Peepers gave me a gift card. It was so wonderful being in Dedham and celebrating around our own tree. Meg liked us being there, and so did the other cats, though Wyatt was non-plussed by Bret and Jemaine.

Now the Christmas reflecting can really begin. Are my priorities in order? Is my primary relationship being nurtured and cared for properly? Am I making decisions that allow me to be the best version of myself? Am I applying enough discipline in my life to bring me towards a common goal? Maybe this year I'm thinking more about things because I happened to stumble upon a great book called The Seven Levels of Intimacy, which if you can put aside your cynicism for a while is actually a very informative and useful book (and by "you" I mean me, of course). I knew a lot of the stuff that this book is trying to tell me already, but somehow reading it, and reading it at this time of year, makes it all click. The light bulbs go off and I am reminded that I've gotten a little off-track. That's the good thing about Christmas. Even if I know I didn't get to do all the things I wanted to do, I have hope that the next one will be better, and I can look forward to a year of getting back on track. I have hope that in 2010 I will steer this ship a little more towards my priorities and will not let the wind blow me off my charted course.