Fill me up.

Tonight was my last violin class. Eight weeks of violin and already I can play Mary Had a Little Lamb and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. And a few scales, but just don't ask me to play without squeaking or without going outrageously out of tune. I look pretty good when holding the violin, though, so maybe that's all that I need to succeed.

But, I'm not through with the violin yet (sorry, kitties!). I'm taking four private lessons with my instructor, and I'm doing so for a couple of reasons. The first is because I'm not quite at the point yet in my violin career (ha!) where I feel like I can teach myself. I feel like I need a little one-on-one guidance on how to move the bow from string to string, how best to hold the violin, how to have good posture, and also how to get the best tone out of the instrument. But the second reason is a little less practical. I'm just not ready to stop getting out of the house once a week. Other than my weekly appointment with Doug, I go to work or I go to the gym. Those are my outings into the world. Going to violin class at least gave me something to do these past eight weeks, and gave me some other way to pass my time at home (you know, practicing (ha!)). I'm not ready to give that up, not now when I am feeling a very strong need to fill myself up a little fuller.

I was thinking about a way to describe this feeling while on the T tonight, riding to where my car was parked and where I would get in it and blast the heat for the drive home. I have this incredible need for warmth. I do not like being cold. (Note that I said that I do not like being cold, not that I don't like the cold. I'm fine with whatever temperature it is outside, as long as I am not affected by that temperature. As long as my body temperature is warm and my hands and feet are not numb. This is why I long for new windows, because the winter drafts really get to me when I'm shut up inside this house.) I am like a helium balloon when it's in the cold - I contract, and I feel shriveled and empty. Take me into a warm room and I immediately fill up. So maybe what I am looking for, or longing for, is warmth. Heat. Spring. Summer. Growth. Regrowth. Blooming and blossoming. Maybe I won't need violin to get me out into the world once I can actually be out in the world again, warm and alive. I'll be around people and I'll remember that I'm not alone and don't have to shut myself in, and the sun will be shining and the grass will need mowing and my world will be big again.