Finding that calling.

It's no secret to those of you who regularly read this little blog that I have been somewhat dissatisfied with and directionless in my career. I think that maybe I missed the boat when I didn't go to Boston College for a Masters in French because I didn't know what I'd do with it, and didn't think that I wanted to teach. Oh, Hindsight, how cruel you are! At this point I would give my right arm to immerse myself in French, even if it meant simply helping private school kids conjugate their irregular verbs. Instead, I turned Boston College down, worked for another year in two little public libraries in Connecticut, and applied to library schools to get a degree in archives, so that I could pursue another interest of mine (history and historical stuff) in a practical way (you know, because archives are so practical). And now here I am, starting my library career over in an academic library in access services, and while I try to psych myself out every day to get enthusiastic about the job I find myself dreaming of being somewhere (sometimes anywhere) else. I find myself fantasizing about cleaning teeth as a dental hygienist. I find myself dreaming about taking blood pressures and weights and giving shots as a nurse in a doctor office. I find myself wishing that I had followed through with either of my fleeting, more scientific goals, and become either that pharmacist or that speech pathologist that I once thought I would be. Anything. Anything but what I am doing now, because I left one gray and dreary job for this job, which I had hoped would be sunny and yellow, but instead the clouds have collected and are hovering above me. Maybe today's particularly bad. But maybe not.

On Monday I worked the 12-8am shift. I got to watch the dawn break outside the window of my office. I felt like I was doing something interesting and worthwhile, working for a library that had overnight hours and that was an important spot on campus for the students to come and learn. But today, after being told that one of my best staff is going to be taken from me and my team and put to work in another library and I have no say in the matter, well, I'm feeling a lot less positive.

Is this what working is all about? Being told what to do without being consulted? Working for a place that has so many layers of management that there is clear confusion about who does what, what is expected of whom, and how communication should happen between all necessary parties? Really, I really feel like I'd rather be cleaning teeth. There would be no one to answer to except the dentist and the patient. I'd be clocking in, scraping off plaque, cleaning instruments, asking about flavor preferences, poking at loose fillings... all of that sounds so very appealing. I'm struggling now with where I fit in my work environment, and where I see myself making my way. I was looking for a community of people from whom I could learn, and instead I find myself facing a wall of people whom at times I wonder if I can trust. I feel like this wasn't what I signed up for, but maybe it was and I just signed up for the wrong thing way back when I took out all those loans to combine my passions with my practicality. I loved to read. I loved history. I saw my logical, employed path as that of a librarian. Little did I know then that I could have read just as much as I do now if I had been a dental hygienist. I'd have had much less debt and I'd be helping people in a much more practical way than I do now. And gingivitis doesn't give me bad dreams the way people management does. Maybe dental hygiene is my calling. Maybe I have no calling. But I can tell you that these days I have not been feeling that I'm working my calling and it's really, really, really disappointing.